Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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