Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
