How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
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