I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
I have fence marks all over my body
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
