is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
Randomize
