When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
i used baking grease as lip gloss
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
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