Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
