There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
Randomize
