You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
