I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
