my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
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