i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
