just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Randomize
