saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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