I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
Randomize
