i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
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