The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
