when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
Randomize
