why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
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