saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
Randomize
