What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Randomize
