girl! he was asleep with his back to me.he farted and i actually felt the wind blow across my leg.nice
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
Randomize
