Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
Randomize
