when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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