I think that we as people have rights and that we should at the very least be warned before being subjected to Fergie
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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