the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
please don't ironically join a cult
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