Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
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