i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
I took did three shots of fireball and did and handstand. When I stood up some busty slut lead me my the hand down the hall into her dorm room.
But I'm sure your having and "a monumentally better time" repeating the 12th grade
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
