I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
'in an unhealthy relationship' should def be an fb option
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
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