The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
