she looked like the bat from fern gully.
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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