see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
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