i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
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