so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
You brought string cheese to the strip club
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Randomize
