After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
Randomize
