I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
random question: do you know anywhere in the tri-state that has elephant racing? this is a work related question.
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
