***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize
