My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
