Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
he was persistant. I supposedly owe him a bj from high school.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
