So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
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