A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
Do you remember last night at all? Be honest
I need to look at the pictures on my camera to fill in the gaps.
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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