I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Randomize
