I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
maybe all of them together would equal one normal sized dick.
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
Randomize
