my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
