I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
Why does She think it's her duty to welcome in freshman through the welcome mat that is her vagina
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Randomize
