You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
LETS GO REDSKINS!
Quit drinking and watching your DVR, it's wednesday.
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
Randomize
