I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
Randomize
