Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
It sounds like heaven mixed with world peace and orgasms. The acoustics in this car are awesome. Or it's the weed idk either way it's great
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Randomize
