I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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