Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
