That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
Randomize
