i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Randomize
