My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Randomize
