Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
Randomize
